i just sent this text using only my big toe
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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