Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
