Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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