Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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