he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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