the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize