The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
