We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
