Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
