Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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