I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
