Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
