We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
