Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
