I didn't shave. On purpose
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My life is pants optional.
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