Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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