i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
