Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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