I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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