Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I need moral support for this bender
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
