Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize