i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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