Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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