Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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