Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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