I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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