I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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