i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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