Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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