In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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