Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
