just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
