well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
