Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
