My boss' voice literally gives me gas
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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