i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize