I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
