i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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