Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
