How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
