She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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