i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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