Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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