Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
