im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
