I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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