i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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