My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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