I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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