I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I have aggressive nipples.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
