we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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