genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
