jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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