ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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