the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
