I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
