I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
