Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize