remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize