I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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