Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
