even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
