the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
