He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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