Girls should come with a carfax report
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
