My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
