I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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