i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
