Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
