I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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